institutionalize me now....

this hasn't been a good week for me so far.

i can't remember the last time i was this far down in the dumps. i can't sleep well. i'm not even hungry. i actually remember at least part of a dream that i had last night. this almost never happens to me. i am the type of girl that immediately forgets her dreams. since this is an anonymous blog and i can say whatever i want, i was rudely awakened out of a very nice Fred dream i was having. nothing explicit, just relaxing and nice. i am disturbed to report that i am dreaming of Fred. i am more disturbed by the fact that tears are brimming in my eyes right now.

am i emotionally immature? am i depressed? i think its a little of both. and i'm gonna go ahead and throw pms in there too, but if someone else were to accuse me of the same i'd deny it ten ways to sunday. i'm not in a good place.

emotional immaturity. i'm just talking out my ass here, but i don't think i've had enough relationships to know how to handle the opposite sex. i think i am either not there at all or completely overbearing. i think i get wrapped up in things way to easily and that i let people take advantage of my low self-esteem when it comes to attraction.

ug, i'm so annoyed with myself. nothing is cut and dried. there are no clear answers. i can't even categorize myself properly. i think i do have self esteem problems--even though i often think i'm good looking. maybe just not good enough looking for LA? maybe just too fat for LA? or just too fat?? narcissistic and low self esteem co-existing? doesn't seem possible, but maybe it works in this totally screwed up head of mine.

back to the immaturity. we've reviewed my two, count them, two previous relationships. one was a total fraud. it still breaks my heart to say that, but it's true. so i guess what i'm saying is, that even though i'm almost 30, a 20 year old who's gone through ten girlfriends may be better equipped to mess with my head than i am to mess with his. that's it in a nutshell. i should be in control of the situation but i'm not. this is my fault, but my brain can't get my heart to fall in line with the troops.

i never really considered this "lack of experience" a detriment until speaking with a co-worker who was absolutely shocked that i straight up did not date in college. there was no one to date, and no one wanted to date me anyway. did i miss out on too much? i already knew that i missed out on alot by attending the school that i did, i mean, i had the complete and total opposite of most people's college experience (minus the rebellion) but on this particular front it may have really hurt me. am i just obsessing?

it's been a hard time in my life, for no actual, physical reason. i feel alone and unfulfilled. on the outside everything's fine. on the inside, utter turmoil.