institutionalize me now....

this hasn't been a good week for me so far.

i can't remember the last time i was this far down in the dumps. i can't sleep well. i'm not even hungry. i actually remember at least part of a dream that i had last night. this almost never happens to me. i am the type of girl that immediately forgets her dreams. since this is an anonymous blog and i can say whatever i want, i was rudely awakened out of a very nice Fred dream i was having. nothing explicit, just relaxing and nice. i am disturbed to report that i am dreaming of Fred. i am more disturbed by the fact that tears are brimming in my eyes right now.

am i emotionally immature? am i depressed? i think its a little of both. and i'm gonna go ahead and throw pms in there too, but if someone else were to accuse me of the same i'd deny it ten ways to sunday. i'm not in a good place.

emotional immaturity. i'm just talking out my ass here, but i don't think i've had enough relationships to know how to handle the opposite sex. i think i am either not there at all or completely overbearing. i think i get wrapped up in things way to easily and that i let people take advantage of my low self-esteem when it comes to attraction.

ug, i'm so annoyed with myself. nothing is cut and dried. there are no clear answers. i can't even categorize myself properly. i think i do have self esteem problems--even though i often think i'm good looking. maybe just not good enough looking for LA? maybe just too fat for LA? or just too fat?? narcissistic and low self esteem co-existing? doesn't seem possible, but maybe it works in this totally screwed up head of mine.

back to the immaturity. we've reviewed my two, count them, two previous relationships. one was a total fraud. it still breaks my heart to say that, but it's true. so i guess what i'm saying is, that even though i'm almost 30, a 20 year old who's gone through ten girlfriends may be better equipped to mess with my head than i am to mess with his. that's it in a nutshell. i should be in control of the situation but i'm not. this is my fault, but my brain can't get my heart to fall in line with the troops.

i never really considered this "lack of experience" a detriment until speaking with a co-worker who was absolutely shocked that i straight up did not date in college. there was no one to date, and no one wanted to date me anyway. did i miss out on too much? i already knew that i missed out on alot by attending the school that i did, i mean, i had the complete and total opposite of most people's college experience (minus the rebellion) but on this particular front it may have really hurt me. am i just obsessing?

it's been a hard time in my life, for no actual, physical reason. i feel alone and unfulfilled. on the outside everything's fine. on the inside, utter turmoil.

i just want to kill myself this morning

This post is a straight-up bitch fest, be warned.

soooooooo I couldn't find a replacement fish. It's not a goldfish, I figured that much out. I don't know what kind of fish it is and I couldn't find it at the many many petstores I visited yesterday. So I've gotta tell her that the fish is dead. That's number one.

I've been sleeping downstairs since I have a cough. I don't want to keep Wash up all night as I hack every time I wake up. Instead, I was up half the night staring at the ceiling in the living room and wondering why in the hell I was awake. I still don't know, I was very tired when I went to bed. I just didn't sleep.

So with that in mind, when I took the dog out and he was a total bastard I kinda lost it. He didn't poop, which means that he may do so in the house during the day. Great. And then he wouldn't come back into the house. He likes to play this game where you have to convince him to come down the walkway and into the house. Well, homie wasn't playin' that this morning so I just left him there. When he didn't come in on his own I got madder. Needless to say, I wasted literally half of my morning on the goddamn dog. And I was unnecessarily mean to him. So that's something to be proud of.

And to top it off Wash has been the biggest bitch ever lately. Poor thing is sick and therefore whines and complains about everything. I want him to sit down and take it easy. For the first time ever, he wants to do everything around the house. Clearly, the way it works with him is if I ask for something, he wants to do the opposite. Normally, it's impossible to get him off his ass to help me. Fucking bastard.

I am in a very very bad mood this Monday morning.

Oh, and in a Fred update, he emailed me back last week (short email) and I responded (yes it was kinda flirty). He hasn't responded to me yet and I think that's adding to the bad mood as well. I don't take kindly to waiting. I need to get over this and on with my life. I'm pathetic.

I'm very unhappy. Overall. Is this the way life is going to be? Fuck, I hate Mondays.

I'm a bad person

So I killed by boyfriend's sister's fish yesterday. The first thing that I feel bad about is never being able to remember the poor, dead fish's name. I always called him "fishy."

I was supposed to feed him twice a day and forgot yesterday morning. My excuse is that I've been going to work an hour early and I was a little hazy and running on auto-pilot. I told my boyfriend when he got home to feed the fish.

Well apparently he decided "the water was murky" so he would change it out, again. He just changed it about three days prior. By the time I got home fishy was floating listlessly in the middle of the tank. Within the hour, he was at the bottom.

I thought it would float on the top of the tank. like "they" say. Not so much, this goldfish. He must have been dense.

So we took pictures of the carcass before flushing it. We have to find a replacement fish or she will FLIP the FUCK OUT when she comes home from vacation. I sure hope we can find the same fish. I feel terrible.

I know I know, goldfish die. But did it have to die AT MY HOUSE? ON MY WATCH? Goddamn it. Fish suck. Except to eat.

Confusion

In times of need, I always turn to this damn blog. I guess I should be thankful that I don't post too often. I worry that I should have people that I can confide this type of stuff in, but I don't. The older I get I feel like my friends are slipping away and that I'm becoming very very much alone. I have to interact with people, so many people too many people, but not in a meaningful way. Alot of the time I have no one to talk to.

It's very lonely. I try to blame it on the big city and on my job and on the fact that my partner is anti-social, but in reality it's my own fault. I don't know exactly when it happened. I don't know exactly how it happened.

That's not actually true. I think I know how I screwed myself up so royally. You see, for a long time in my life I was not particularly attractive, overweight, and kinda dowdy. I had alot of friends and was outgoing. I was talkative. I was a smartass. I was, surprisingly, more confident than I am now.

I changed my appearance and got myself (physically) together. I thought this would make me feel better, and maybe it did, to an extent. But then I met a man. He told me everything I wanted to hear. flattered me in the right ways, courted me, coveted me. At the same time he kept me at arm's length, which at the time was scary but exciting too. He was older, there was a sense of mystery. A sense of fantasy too. I allowed myself to be led around by the nose by this man for well over a year. At the same time I was wasting away physically and emotionally. He was 100% totally in control of the relationship. He made the rules.

Everyone around me saw that the situation was terrible. My parents in particular tried to talk some sense into me. But I didn't listen. Instead I changed all of my plans, left my career dreams in the dust, and went to law school because he told me to. I moved across the country because he told me to. After all this, after years, after changing my life, I found out all that he had told me was a lie. He was not who I thought he was--in so many ways. A wife. Kids. A different name. In retrospect, I am ashamed of myself for being so gullible, for being so stupid and vacuous and irresponsible as to allow someone else to change around my life. I can think of no reason why he did this other than just to fuck with me. Just screwing with another person because you can. Because you have the power. And it's all my fault, because who gave him the power but me?

I've been out of that relationship for six years. I never closed it properly. I just walked away. I never confronted him with the information that I learned. I never told him how much pain he caused me. I have tried to move on.

I moved on by going directly into another relationship with "Washington," which I'm still in. He's not a terrible person or a liar. He's a control freak, he's selfish, and he's crazy, but I think I can deal with that. I love him, most of the time. I definitely don't hate him or would even compare him to asshole number 1, discussed above.

But every once in a while, every once in a long while I meet someone that makes me question all of this on a very basic level. Recently I met someone, years my junior, who affected me in a very primal and emotional way. I find that I can't deal with the emotions that come with this desire. I want him. Badly. It's so odd, because for quite a while after meeting "Fred" I absolutely hated him. He had a smart mouth, an annoying swagger, and an unearned air of importance. As his superior, which I was, I basically did not treat him well. He stayed away from me. We didn't get along.

Then one day my mind totally changed. All I really needed to do was spend a little time with him. All of the sudden, Fred was cute. Really cute. And smart. And interesting. And interested in the same things I'm interested in, which I can't say for Wash. Plus, he can drive a stick pretty well. He's been on my mind for weeks. We were working together until last week, which gave me the opportunity to at least try to smooth over the issues created by my quick-judgment of Fred and his facade he put on in the office. I don't know that he ever really knew what to think of me. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm certifiable.

Now he's gone from my place of employment (it was a temporary thing) but not gone from my mind. I have emailed him in a friendly manner, goodbye and whatnot, but not received a reply. I am (almost) certain this is because he is, as I would term it, "too cool for school." You know the type. It was this attitude that initially turned me off to him, but it is not unexpected from a young law student looking to impress lawyers. My heart is broken from this. So ridiculous, yet that is in fact the case. An almost 30-year old woman heartbroken by a goddamn law school student who is not even aware of her infatuation? This is ridiculous. I feel so unbelievably silly seeing it written. But its true. The fact remains. Attraction is not a logical thing. I have been attracted to the oddest people. Looks are not the determining factor, as I already said, I straight up did not like Fred when I met him. But now, he's the most attractive thing I can possibly imagine. I can think of nothing else.

So Fred, do something to make me think you're an asshole again, so I can get past this and on with my life. Because the other options are me going into a state of lustful insanity and writing an email that I will forever regret, or me pining for your bod for the foreseeable future. Unless you show up on my doorstep ready to sweep me off my feet. I'll be your sugarmama. Hey, I kinda like that. ...